On Naked Biking, Energy, and ATVs

June 11, 2009

Oh no, here come the naked bike riders. Yep, this Saturday is World Bike Naked Day, an exhibitionist’s dream with a “good cause” thrown in: The protest of the over consumption of oil. Okay, I get the bike and oil non-connection, but the clothes?

Please, don’t get me wrong, I’m all for being naked and riding a bicycle. I just don’t prefer to combine the two. Besides, I can’t quite figure out how to train for it. Ouch. May I suggest a 5-gallon bucket of ASSOS. Yes, it’s a real product and, yes, I use it on my clothed rides.

But the real reason I’m not going is that my buddy, Boots, is not only participating but also way too enthusiastic about it. Like I said, it’s an exhibitionist’s dream.

About a week or so ago, I got what must have been about the seventh call from Boots inviting us to his naked bike ride. Wait, that sounds weird. Oh yeah, because it is.

Anyway, we were getting ready to have dinner and Boots demanded that I stop everything and extend his invitation to my awaiting family. And yes, that’s weird, too.

“Hey,” I called out, “it’s Uncle Boots and he wants to know if we want to go watch him in the naked bike ride.”

My daughter provided the best response: “Ew, Dad. Stop it, I’m getting ready to eat.”

A chip off the old block, indeed.

But good luck, Boots. We most definitely will not be there.

–

Speaking of oil and definitely NOT being naked, the Congressional Republicans released their “energy plan” on Tuesday. The New York Times story on the Republican’s “plan” included the introductory paragraph that the plan deserved:

Badly outnumbered and months behind in the debate on energy and climate change, House Republicans plan to introduce an energy bill on Wednesday as an alternative to the Democratic plan barreling toward a House vote this month.

Ouch. But true.

The Republican’s so-called energy plan reads like something they dusted off from their archives of the “good old days” when Dwight Eisenhower ruled their roost.

“Hey look! An energy plan!”

Again, I’ll let the vaunted Times deliver the specifics:

The Republican proposal, drafted by a group led by Representative Mike Pence of Indiana, leans heavily on nuclear power, setting a goal of building 100 reactors over the next 20 years. No new nuclear plants have been ordered in the United States since 1978 because of the high cost of construction and uncertainty about regulatory approval.

The bill also provides incentives for increased oil and gas production on public and private lands and offshore. It would also authorize oil drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge in Alaska, a focus of 30 years of controversy in Congress.

Good luck with all that. And, while you’re at it: Turn your calendars ahead a good 30 years or so.

With opponents like this, why are the Democrats going so slowly?

–

And while we’re talking energy, consider this: Susan Smallheer of the Times Argus is reporting this morning that things went a little whacky during a “preparedness drill” performed by a hazardous materials response team practicing a nuclear mishap situation involving the Vermont Yankee nuclear power plant.

Here’s how Smallheer summed up the problems with the preparedness team’s …well…preparedness:

Wednesday’s drill revealed some real-life problems: [The response] team’s emergency radio wouldn’t work, and they couldn’t pull down a strong cell phone signal to relay information back to headquarters.

The drill also revealed communication problems with the town of Brattleboro, the largest community near the plant.

Oh great.

Let’s see, what’s the one area you DO NOT want to have trouble with when you’re calling yourselves a “response team?” Yes, that’s right: Communications.

Oh please, shut it down and stop this nonsense.

–

And one more thing just because I’m pretending that it’s raining and I need to be inside: The all-terrain-vehicle (ATV) riders in Vermont are involved in an obvious letter-writing campaign as a result of George Wuerthner’s excellent op/ed piece recently excoriating the new Douglas Administration’s sneaky little attempt to allow these gas-pigs to “rip it up” on state-owned forest land.

The letters all go something like this: “Why can’t I ride my machine wherever I want?”

Oh, come on. But let me entertain the question in a manner that pretends it’s a serious question from a person with opposable thumbs. Your answers:

1) For the same reason that I can’t hold a Sonic Youth rock concert in the center of the Montpelier roundabout at 2:00 am.
2) Because if we allow you to call your ATV-riding a “sport,” you’ll soon tell us that operating your bulldozer is a sport, too.
3) Because machines in the forest should be working, not “playing.”
4) Because there’s an oil crisis, you idiot.
5) Because there is absolutely nothing compatible with your ATV in the forest – not hiking, not running, not biking and not horse riding.
6) Because your insistence on calling ATV-riding a “traditional” Vermont activity is ridiculous. Unless, of course, you also consider your latest bowel movement an “antique.”

Enough already.

But, just so you know, the Vermont Department of Natural Resources is holding a hearing for public comment on its new plan to allow ATVers to use public land this Monday night (June 15th). The hearing is scheduled to run from 7 p.m. to 9 p.m. at the Pavilon Auditorium on State Street. Go if you can to say no to “rippin’it up” in our state forests.

Posted by M. Colby | Filed Under blog

Comments

7 Responses to “On Naked Biking, Energy, and ATVs”

krystal on June 11th, 2009 1:28 pm

a 5 gallon pail is just the right amount for your sorry ass.
Peter Buknatski on June 11th, 2009 2:46 pm

The solution is this: When a nuclear accident/event/attack happens, you have FEMA and Homeland KILL any survivors, who will be pissing & moaning anyway, in the interests of National Security…and neatness.
boots on June 11th, 2009 2:49 pm

an being an exhibitionist is bad why?
dilldawg on June 11th, 2009 4:31 pm

So do you wrap your bike seat in something? Or does it just have a funk to it for a while. And I can see how you get naked bike riding, most cloths made have the use of fossil fuels some how. I think deer skin loin cloths might be in order. And then with that being said I can see that an ATV might be useful in state forests so that we can shoot more wildlife to make our loin cloths. Thats it zero emissions, solar powered, veggie oil, no idle, cylinder shut down, hybrid ATV that run like a hover crafts instead of a 4 wheeler. Maybe I will go in to politics.
Fearless on June 11th, 2009 8:39 pm

“an being an exhibitionist is bad why?”
There good and bad exhibitionists
Fearless on June 11th, 2009 8:41 pm

Correction

“an being an exhibitionist is bad why?”
There are good and bad exhibitionists.
boots on June 12th, 2009 7:12 am

the saddle on my bicycle is THE SEAT. why don’t all you voyeurs who are so fixated on this issue goggle it.