Super Bowl Sins

February 8, 2010 | 3 Comments

Holy shit, get me to church. I’m a believer! And I have sinned! Wash me of my sins – dear Breesus! – and make me whole again.

Okay, scratch the “shit” part. I’m fallible, you know. But I am ready for my Super Bowl redemption. And here are my Super Bowl sins (in no particular order):

* I bet against Breesus.

* I placed that bet with my father.

* Worse, I lost that bet to my father.

* I’ve contemplated sending him a check as payment along with a note from my daughter regarding the hardships she’ll be forced to endure IF he cashes the check that he rightfully earned. (Read: Manipulation.)

* I had inappropriate and economically-impossible desires for automobiles.

* I had unnecessary and health-threatening desires for Doritos.

* I pretended to understand commercials that I did not understand while in the presence of others.

* I had mean-spirited thoughts about the members of The Who for torturing the songs that are rightfully theirs.

* I had inappropriate thoughts about Breesus’ wife.

* I defended by inappropriate thoughts about Breesus’ wife with this logic: Breesus should not have a wife while saving the rest of us from our sins.

* I spent the time leading up to the Super Bowl reading my old copy of “The Catcher in the Rye.”

* While reading my circa 1982 copy of “The Catcher in the Rye,” I found that I had underlined this passage: “I’m the most terrific liar you ever saw in your life. It’s awful.”

* I did not go where I was invited to go.

* Worse, I did not appropriately notify those who thought I would be arriving at their parties.

* And, finally, I fully participated in the spectacle.