On Public Masturbation, A New Contest, Hay, Ben & Jerry’s, and Denis Johnson

July 29, 2009 | 27 Comments

On Dubie & Masturbation: Sorry, I really wanted to use that headline. I’m speaking, of course, about the news that Lieutenant Governor Brain Dubie (R-Mars via Vermont) got yet another re-election gift yesterday when Seven Days’ Shay Totten broke the news that his chief opponent in 2010, Ed Flanagan, was accused of multiple incidents of masturbating at the Burlington YMCA recently. Ouch.

To be fair, Flanagan is denying the allegations and declaring it a non-issue since he’s no longer going to be frequenting the YMCA. Perhaps he’ll try “exercising” in the privacy of his bedroom next? We can only hope.

Flanagan is also declaring that these allegations will not deter him in his bid to unseat Dubie. While this is clearly silly talk, it would be great if it were true. I mean, come on (no pun intended – oh wait, maybe it was), wouldn’t it be great to see the semi-illiterate Dubie taking on the Public Masturbator? Priceless.

In the meantime, it will be interesting to see how the masters of group think – The Vermont Dems – will respond to this news. Mostly, I’ll expect them to ignore it and Flanagan from here on out and rally behind another candidate faster than a Vermont summer.

One thing they won’t do is get out the same broad brush they like to use when Republicans are caught in similar predicaments. You won’t, for example, here them declare themselves and their party hypocrites or “nutters” because of Flanagan’s public arousal. That’s because to be a member of either party all-too-often means trading in your thinking cap for a set of pom-poms. Go, team, go!

I’ll bet a lot of money on the fact that we won’t be seeing one of those “kick ‘em while they’re down but sugar coat it with sophomoric humor” posts by Philip Baruth over the Flanagan allegations. Nor, I’m guessing, will we see the Dem cheerleaders over at Green Mountain Daily demanding that any and all Dem-club members denounce Flanagan or…or…or…be considered public masturbators themselves! You’ve been warned! (Yawn).

By the way, there’s apparently no truth to the rumor about Governor Jim Douglas’ reaction to the Flanagan masturbation allegations. Douglas did not, apparently, ask a staff member: “What’s masturbation?”

Stay tuned for more details. Or not.

But, before I let this one go, let’s have a contest! Dear readers, it’s time to chime in on what Ed Flanagan’s campaign slogan should be in 2010 given this recent news. Send your suggestions directly to me at: mcolby@broadsides.org. Or, if you’d rather, post them in the comments section. Have fun.

–

While we’re on the subject of politicians masturbating in public, it appears real health-care reform will not be a reality this year.

–

Hay Update: Done. Yep, 450 bales were brought in yesterday. I’m a mere five short of my 700 goal but I’m calling it good enough. Whew. And thanks to Bel & Sam for being there with me all day long.

–

Ben & Jerry’s blasted for wasting water in Europe. Check this out. Interesting. And not a peep about it in Vermont – surprise, surprise.

–

Read: Denis Johnson’s Nobody Move. Wow, what a fun summer read. But, then again, I’m a sucker for Johnson’s work (disclaimer: we both spent too many years in Iowa City, Iowa). Nobody Move represents a much different writing avenue for Johnson: a crime thriller. But he nails it, providing some fast-paced action, violence, sex and the pursuit of the “hidden cash.” My only complaint is the ending. It felt more than a little abrupt.

Nobody Move will most certainly be a movie in the future. In fact, this little novella almost reads like a screenplay. If it turns out to be half as good as Jesus’ Son, the last Johnson book to make it to the big screen, it’ll be a treat.

Here are a couple random lines that I marked while reading Nobody Move:

He wasn’t wearing a Hawaiian shirt at the moment but undoubtedly possessed several.

Ruthless neon on the wet streets like busted candy.

And, while were on the subject of Denis Johnson, check out this excerpt of an interview he did with a San Francisco newspaper several years ago:

I had started working on the novel. I’d met a woman and I got married, but the money ran out right away. She came home and said, “There’s no money.” And I said, “I know. I’m sorry.” She told me I had to get a job. I hadn’t had a job for seven months, and it just came over me that I was never going to work again. It hit me. You can’t get to the point where you say, “When I’m financially stable, then I’ll quit work.” You have to quit work first. She wanted to know what was going to happen—the rent was about to run out. I told her, “I’m going to live on the street. I’m going to write on the street.” She was mad; she left. I had my typewriter. It only took me three months to finish the novel, and it was published. She came back a lot later.

Posted by M. Colby | Filed Under blog