Two Peas in a Corporate War Pod

September 5, 2008 | 8 Comments

What can I say, I’m an addict. A political addict, that is. And, damn it, I’ve been on a bit of a bender lately when it comes to imbibing in the empty calories of mainstream politics. Let’s face it, putting these two ninny conventions together in the back-to-back fashion that they did this time is nothing short of torture. At this point, I’ll admit to anything – just stop the convention torture!

But, having monitored more than my fair share of both the Democrats’ and the Republicans’ convention spectacles, I can say with some authority that neither has articulated a plan for the following:

  • Ending the war
  • Providing health care (or even lowering the cost of health care)
  • Addressing global warming
  • The housing crisis
  • Or the jobs crisis.

But they sure can unleash the confetti! And fly the flag! And jab their counterparts for – what? – being more effective at doing nothing. Good grief.

The creepiest of the creepy moment in both conventions, besides the really bad white-guy dancing that they shared, was the chant of “drill baby, drill” by the Republican crowd. It’s kind of like chanting “drink baby, drink” to an alcoholic on the barstool. But with visions of their SUV’s and their Exxon stock portfolio dancing in their heads, they just couldn’t resist.

But, you’ve got to admit, there’s something refreshing about Republican honesty – evil as it can be. The Republican clarity on energy policy goes like this: Drill baby, drill and then burn baby, burn. Fuck yeah! America rocks! Drop the confetti!

The Democrats, of course, have the same plan but they can’t get themselves to be as honest. Instead, they’d be chanting something like: Drill tomorrow, not today and then feel good about the delay. Or something like that. Fuck yeah! America rocks! Drop the confetti!

The real skill in all this convention stuff is trying to convince people that there is such a “huge” difference between the two parties. One is all about a sunny future and the other is all about the next hell storm. And vice versa. Never mind that they share most of the same corporate sponsors and carry much of the same water for those same sponsors. Both look pretty damn cloudy to me.

In Plato’s dialogue, Lysis, he writes the following:

…the nearer wicked men come to each other, and the more they see of each other, the greater enemies they become…

Hmm, sounds like the Democrats and the Republicans: So close, yet such enemies.

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Grumpy Old Man from the Grand Old Party: But wait, I forgot to mention the McCain speech. I swear I’ve seen that speech somewhere. Wait, did Jack Lemmon give that speech in Grumpy Old Men IV? No, that’s not it. Or was it Goldwater in 1964? Of course it was. In fact, I think that WAS Goldwater.

“Come here, Mr. McCain,” said the makeup people when he arrived. “We can make you anybody tonight.” And, after much pondering, the crews went to work with 50-gallon drums of orange gunk to fulfill McCain’s makeup fantasies: “I want to be the me of 30 years ago!” And so they tried. And, oh boy, none of us were even fooled.

Note to McCain: That speech was so 1970s. To hell with all the talk about Palin’s experience. Because I think it’s more important to have a pulse than experience. And I guess it would be really cool to have both. No such luck when it comes to the McCain/Palin ticket.

The only time his speech Viagra seemed to kick in was at the end when he got so damn excited he couldn’t even stop his verbal ejaculations, shouting over the audience and making us all think the same thing: Oh fuck, he’s gonna stroke out on us. But, lucky for us, no doctors had to be called since his speech Viagra didn’t lead to a verbal erection lasting more than three hours. Whew.

Posted by M. Colby | Filed Under blog, essays & columns, us politics