The RNC Funeral

September 3, 2008 | Leave a Comment

Well, that was creepy. The Republican Convention, that is. Was it me, or did it feel more like a funeral than the party they were trying oh-so-hard to make it? Because this Grand Old Party looked and felt like nothing more than a fatally wounded elephant making a slow fall to the ground. I was half expecting to see the tusk-poachers come crashing in.

Rule number one for political convention organizers has got to be that they make sure to fill the auditorium. You know, kind of like the Dems did in Denver. Because there’s nothing as ineffective as seeing old, white people with really stupid hats standing around in a half-filled arena while trying to pretend that the place is rockin’. Sorry, but the cameras didn’t lie. And I’ve seen more excitement in the windows of Montpelier’s VFW Hall.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, we should all begin to understand John McCain’s choice of Sarah Palin. I mean, what the hell else did he have to spice up the party? And, no, Cindy’s ridiculous dress doesn’t count.

McCain saw the Dem Fest in Denver, looked over the notes for his own upcoming convention, and realized that Lieberman, Romney and Pawlenty didn’t offer squat to the ticket or the party. So Palin it was. And the McCain folks are certainly hoping that the Palin intoxication that the left, right and middle are in the midst of – good or bad – will help hide the carcass of the dying elephant in the room.

Last night’s convention agenda was just weird. First of all, how lame is that they think we believe that George Bush “couldn’t get to Minnesota” in order to speak live to the delegates? It’s a two-hour flight – and the guy’s got his own plane. Besides, it had been a good twelve hours since the Hurricane Gustav excuse was removed from the equation.

The result was a terribly awkward and typically disjointed speech by Bush, who looked like a pained school kid trying to muster some enthusiasm for a report he didn’t give two shits about. Worse, Bush obviously wasn’t getting the audio from the convention center, thus abruptly cutting off the obligatory moments of applause – sleepy as they were. It was a disconnected Bush at his best, rushing through his allotted seven minutes and thrown off the stage by the McCain folks before the network coverage began.

And what was the rush to get a sitting, two-term Republican president off the stage at the party’s convention? Well, to make sure the Democrat-turned-Independent-turned-one-slimy-bastard known as Joe Lieberman occupied the primetime slot. That, my friends, is what Texans would call putting a boot up the president’s ass. Time’s up, Mr. President, because we’ve got to save the good slot for your one-time electoral opponent.

But just when you thought it couldn’t get any creepier, up stepped Lieberman who I’m convinced was only there to audition for Don Knotts’ role in the remake of The Andy Griffith Show. Well, that and to prove that he still has no tact or political morals because he actually tried to praise Bill Clinton in his speech. Huh? Yeah, that’ll certainly win him over to a bunch of red-meat Republicans. The guy’s just goofy.

Yep, Palin’s all they’ve got. Unless you’re old enough and senile enough to dance in a three-foot tall American-flag hat to the tunes of Lawrence Welk and find yourself getting (politically) aroused by images of Reagan, Fred Thompson and Lieberman. Ew.

Posted by M. Colby | Filed Under blog, essays & columns